Ship

          “I can’t stand anymore chicken!” a vacationing guest, who seemed a bit tipsy, shouted at the captain of the cruise ship, and then leaped overboard. The captain rushed to the railing and peered into the heaving waves. There bobbed his malcontent passenger. Recently, there had been an inexplicable spate of vacationers aboard cruise ships choosing to jump ship. Now, one of his passengers had chosen to go over the edge. A shot of adrenalin made his heart thump, and he turned, saw the first mate, and called, “Passenger overboard! Life boat! Man the life boats! Alert the Coast Guard! We need assistance!” Just then the wife of the man who just jumped ship threw her arms up, and yelled, “Count me out, too!” “Why?” Captain Walsh demanded.

          As she dashed for the railing, she took a moment to inform him, “Even the spaghetti is inedible!” Then over she went. Walsh watched her spin toward the water and splash down near her water-treading husband. “Dear me,” he lamented, and turned to his curiously desultory first mate, “Make that two lifeboats!” Then he steeled himself for his greatest challenge. All the passengers had now gathered on the deck and appeared unsettlingly malcontent. The insane thought passed through his mind that they might opt for going overboard en masse.

          Then he noticed telltale signs that his worst nightmare could come true. For instance, a few especially irate guests were brandishing hastily scrawled signs, saying such things as, “Better Entertainment Now!” “Freedom From Bingo!” and “Clean The Pool!” “Now, see here,” the captain said, “I know you’re all not thrilled with every aspect of the cruise, but surely there are some enjoyable things.” “Name one!” a disgruntled passenger challenged him. “Well, how about the port calls?” he asked weakly. “And all the wonderful shopping opportunities?” “Robbery in every port!” a man let out. “Disguised as sale prices!” “You think this seashell necklace is worth a thousand dollars?” a particularly irate female shopper said, holding up the stringed bauble.

          “To the rails!’ another man yelled. “We’re off of here!” a woman exclaimed. Then the entire group, every last passenger currently still aboard the ship, as far as the captain could tell, made a move for the rail. “Stop! I order you to stay on board!” Walsh commanded, and placed his body between the rail and the ocean-bound passengers. “Stand aside!” a rather brawny traveler in Bermudas shouted, waving a threatening ping-pong paddle. “No more watered-down mixed drinks for me!” another man screamed. “Or slot machines where everybody loses!” a woman chimed in. Then the sea of passengers pressed forward, and Captain Walsh found himself being helplessly twirled aside by one pair of rail-bent hands after another.

          Then, to his shock, he watched helplessly as every single guest leap off the boat. “How we gonna explain this to headquarters!” the first mate called from the lifeboats, which he and a gaggle of other crew members were attempting to activate. The alarmed captain peered down at all the guests, splashing in the waves, and then looked back at the first mate. “Quick – the lifeboats! We’ve got to save everyone or we’ll be finished – washed up, forever!” Just then the ship’s chef and his staff appeared on the deck and hurried toward the captain. “Is it true? All the passengers?” the chef asked, and peered over the rail. “Every last one of them!” the captain wailed. “It couldn’t be the food?” the chef wanted to know. “Could it?” the sous chef queried.

          “I have to be honest. Some did mention that.” “I feel terrible about this,” the chef sighed. “My cooking days are over.” Then he motioned to his staff, and they all made for the rail. “Hold it!” the captain said. “Not you and the kitchen crew, too?” “The least we can do is join them!” returned the chef. Then, with a flourish, he added, “If only I had better ingredients!” And over the rail he and his fellow denizens of the kitchen went. “Chef and staff overboard!” the captain called. Then, to his dismay, the first mate and the crew members who were helping to launch the lifeboats stopped their vital work and climbed down to the deck. “What are you doing?” Captain Walsh called. “Man those lifeboats!” Worse yet, now the rest of the crew emerged from below. They all made their way toward him. “What are you doing?” he asked. “We’ve got passengers drowning down there!” “I don’t know, captain,” the first mate replied.

          “We’ve been talking.” “You what?” the captain inquired. “Me and the crew, and we decided having one passenger jump ship is bad enough – but all of them?” “No way we can save them all,” a crew member volunteered. “And even if we rescue most of them,” another crew member lamented, “what future do we have?” “We’re finished,” the first mate sighed. “Disgraced!” a crew member put in. “We could even go to jail,” the first mate advised him.

          “Maybe the passengers have the right idea,” another crew member conceded. “Can you believe how bad the comedian was last night? Not one good joke!” “And what about the singer?” another crew member asked. “I can’t stand the way she screeches on every high note.” “Excuse us, sir,” the mate told the captain, “but I think we’ve pretty much made up our minds.” Then he turned to the crew. “Shall we?” “What else?” one replied. And then, to the captain’s dismay, they all jumped ship. He followed their decent. Then there they all were, splashing in the ocean among the passengers. Now he heard steps behind him and turned. The entertainers were hurrying toward him. “What’s going on?” the comedian asked. “Everybody jumped ship,” the captain told them, pointing over the rail. The troupe of entertainers rushed to the rail and looked down. “Why would they do that?” the singer with the screechy voice asked.

          “They seem to have had a variety of reasons.” “Not the entertainment?” a faux-Hawaiian dancer asked. “I’m afraid it played a role,” the captain admitted. “You’ve got to be kidding,” the ventriloquist replied. “Once this gets out, we’ll never work another cruise!” a male singer said, distraught. “Let’s face it. Our careers are kaput,” another dancer sighed. “What are we going to do – just stand here?” the comedian wanted to know. “As I see it, the right thing to do is join our audience,” the ventriloquist concluded. “Hold it,” the captain said, grabbing the ventriloquist by the shirt. “You can’t be serious?” “Don’t worry,” he said, and held up his dummy.

          “Herman floats.” “Got a better idea, captain?” the comedian asked. “You want to live to explain this to management?” the Hawaiian dancer said. “Maybe you’ve got something there,” Captain Walsh admitted. “Yes, by golly, I think you do. But, as the captain, I insist on being the last to abandon ship.” “Spoken like a true captain,” the comedian assured him, and turned to the rest. “Ready, team?” “Ready!” the ventriloquist said, and his dummy Herman added, “Famous last words!” And so, as the captain stood by, all the entertainers leaped bravely overboard.

          Walsh watched them plummet into the crowded sea. “Oh, well,” he told himself, “it’s been a good career, until now.” Then he called, “Anybody left on board?” Not a single voice interrupted the ocean breeze. “Then it’s over the side for me!” he called, and looked at the crowded sea in search of an unoccupied area. And over he went. Down he fell, toward the tossing passengers, crew, chef with the kitchen staff, and entertainers. He managed to splash into the water, instead of landing on top of any of the former occupants of his ship, and sank beneath the waves.

          When he bobbed back up, he awoke, wet with sweat, and found himself doing the breaststroke on his mattress. What a nightmare! he thought. And he resolved to speak to management. Obviously, there were things about life on cruise ships that could be improved, and he vowed to be the champion of change. Just to make sure all was well, he got out of bed and opened a port. He saw a young couple, leaning against the railing. They seemed to be in a romantic mood and not at all likely to jump overboard. He smiled, closed the port, and went back to bed. It felt especially good to know he still had his passengers on board, along with his crew, kitchen staff, and, no doubt, his troupe of gifted entertainers.

World Too Crazy

          If you listen to the news without the healthy defense of perspective, you can easily begin to think that the world is so crazy happiness is no longer possible or, at least, a highly irresponsible proclivity. As you well know, from the time we wake up until the time we doze off, the news presents the most egregious outrages it can assemble, as if to demand of us, “With all this mayhem and other craziness going on, how can you dare to be happy?” Since it would be a sorry world if nobody was happy, we began to think about how to manage the pleasant state and concluded you either have to be very stupid or very smart.

          Everybody in between is bound to be swamped with the world’s collected and concentrated agony. Here’s why. If you’re really just plain stupid, you probably don’t listen to the news much anyway. You long ago gave up on trying to keep up with things you hardly understand anyway. On the other hand, if you’re even reasonably savvy, you discovered the enormous difference that almost always obtains between the news and your personal life.

          While bombs and lunatics are always starring in the news and most of the other media that attempt to monopolize your mind, you notice that your personal life is actually generally quite peaceful and, when the reverberations of the news dissipate, still alive with occasions for happiness. Why, you even find that there are still splendid and, in much of the media, little-regarded values like sincerity, kindness, love and, yes, laughter.

          Meanwhile, if you’re not too dumb or intelligent enough, you’re right there on the receiving end of all the outrages the news can whip into a frenzy to engage your rapt reactions and elicit your legion of laments. Result: sorrow, with any hope of happiness long abandoned. '

Global Warming

          In an especially inarguable event that global warming is proceeding apace, a group of Eskimos noticed – while hunting for caribou on the sort of unusually balmy day that they’ve been experiencing with ever-growing frequency – a tree they were not familiar with, growing high above the tundra. Priding themselves on knowing the flora and fauna of their land, they puzzled over the strange growth.

          “Look,” one said, “a tree I never saw before.” “No branches,” another one puzzled. “Even a bear couldn’t climb it,” a third one noted. Then one of them pointed to the groups of large roundish green objects in the high and odd-looking leaves, known in warmer climes as palm fronds. “Look,” he speculated, “big fruit, maybe.”

          Just then one of the ovoid objects happened to break loose and fall toward them. Unfortunately, for the fellow who had just identified it as fruit, the object hit him on the head and, being rather heavy and hard, it knocked him out. When he awoke, he felt the lump on his head, and concluded, “Not very ripe.” Respecting the environment, as all Eskimos are famously known to do, except when poaching, they decided not to chop the tree down to take it back via dogsled for identification but to settle for returning with the unidentified object that had hit their unsuspecting fellow villager on the noggin.

          When they got back to their village, they went straight to the village elder, who was revered for many reasons, one of them being that he was the only resident of the village who, one year when the salmon catch had been especially bountiful, had managed to wangle a trip to Florida. When he saw the strange object, his brows fretted and he looked up, saying, “I thought you went caribou hunting?” “We did,” one of the hunters replied. “I did not know that there are caribou in Florida,” he said, questioningly. “Florida?” another hunter asked, now even more mystified. “Yes, because as far as I know, this thing only grows in Florida.

          As you know, once, in my younger days, I went there for a mid-winter break.” “Then you know what it is?” the fellow who had been hit on the head with it asked. “Yes, he replied. “It’s called a coconut.” “Coconut?” they variously puzzled, passing it around for another look. “Yes,” the elder confirmed. “Where did you find it?” “In a tree we never saw before.” “And where did you see this tree?” the wizened man questioned. “In caribou country,” one of the hunters affirmed.

          “I swear,” another added. “Then,” he told them, “thanks to global warming, our way of life is about to change. You have found a palm tree in Alaska.” “Palm tree?” they wondered. “Yes,” he said, and whacked the coconut with a large knife. He savored a sip of the nectar within and, passing the coconut around so the hunters might experience the milky delectation, he concluded, "And so, if I live long enough, maybe I will get to enjoy the climate of Florida without having to make another trip there.”

Democrats

          Congressional Democrats, delighted with George Bush’s stubborn resistance to their every request, have invited him to run for a third term. Forgoing support for their own roster of Democratic candidates, they have offered to vote for an exception to the 2-term limit. Senator Harry Reid, outspoken opponent of the war in Iraq said, “We’re just having such a darn good time failing to get the President to listen to common sense that we’d like to keep it up for four more years.

          Think how dull it will be having someone who’s actually responsive to Congress.” Bush seemed pleased by the offer, saying, “I’ve been concerned that, if by a long shot, a Democrat gets elected, my policy on Iraq might get changed. So I welcome the Democratic initiative to help me keep the war on track.”

          Hillary Clinton, a bit miffed by her loss of Democratic support, commented, “I just don’t understand what Democrats are doing asking George Bush to run for another four years when they could have just as much fun bashing me.”

          Senator Barack Obama joined in the disinclination to support the initiative, saying, “While I understand the entertainment value four more years of George Bush would offer the Democratic party, support for this alarming idea is enough to make me consider becoming a Republican.” Exactly how the new Democratic push to reelect President Bush will work out remains uncertain. Apparently, their support for it depends on the unwavering obstinacy of the President.

Great Wall Of China

          Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more. Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions.

          But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.” Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America." Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin. Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun.

          In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero. And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts. But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it.

          Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke.

          Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.

The 80's

          It was the decade of decadence. It was about glitz and glamour as well as baubles, bangles, and beads. Everyone loved Luke and Laura in the afternoon. Lady Diane became the People's Princess when she married Prince Charles. Nighttime soaps like Dallas and Dynasty ruled the airwaves. President Ronald Reagan ruled the United States.

          Tom Cruise felt the need for speed. Michael Milliken was the Junk Bond King. Gordon Gekko taught Wall Street whiz kids that greed was good. Material Girl Madonna made her musical debut. What decade was it? We can only be talking about that terrific time period – the excellent eighties. Here are twenty-one ways for you to verify that you belong to (or belong in) the 1980's.

1. Breakdancing on the sidewalk looked like fun. Now it just looks like you might break something.
2. You can still recite dialogue from any movie starring Molly Ringwald.
3. "Cell phones" meant the telephone people used when they got their "one phone call" in jail.
4. You had at least one of the following: a Cabbage Patch Kid, He-Man action figures, a Rubik's Cube, or something with a Pac-Man logo on it.
5. You remember a lot of headlines about the Human Genome Project, which was a complete mapping of human DNA. You also remember how this was supposed to lead to the eradication of disease.
6. You remember the day that thousands of radio stations across the world played "We Are The World" at the exact same time. (Now, you're singing it!)
7. Your first album was a vinyl 33 and you laughed at your parents because they wanted to play 45's and 8-track tapes.
8. You know who Oliver North is and why he was in the news.
9. Someone on your street or neighborhood sent his or her life savings to a later discredited televangelist.
10. You hung out with your friends at the mall, especially in the video arcade where you exchanged those hard-earned quarters for tokens.
11. You know that "glasnost" means openness or transparency and "perestroika" means economic restructuring.
12. You and your friends made fun of the "I've fallen and I can't get up" lady. (The fictional woman was named Mrs. Fletcher and the product was the LifeCall emergency service.)
13. You inserted "like" liberally and unnecessarily throughout your sentences. Like so, "Like, that was, like, the hardest test we ever had. So after class, I was all like asking the teacher and she was like it wouldn't have been hard if you had studied. Then I was like is that like wicked rude or what?"
14. You know there was only one way Dorothy on the Golden Girls could make Sophia behave. She simply said, "Shady Pines, Ma, Shady Pines."
15. You've actually tasted New Coke. Extra points if you wrote to Coca-Cola and insisted they bring back the original formula.
16. You remember when there was no such thing as CNN, E!, or MTV.
17. Your parents were afraid you'd cut yourself putting on a snap bracelet.
18. You were inspired by Sandra Day O'Connor, the first female Supreme Court Judge, Sally Ride, the first female astronaut and Geraldine Ferraro, the first (and as of this writing only) female Vice Presidential candidate.
19. Renting horror movie sequels about Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, and Michael Myers took up a lot of your time.
20. You loved the opposite sketches and green slime on You Can't Do That On Television.
21. You played Atari, Intellivision, Sega, Nintendo, and Coleco until your hands went numb.

Clever Teamwork

          One week the inflammatory anti-American Iraqi cleric Mugtada Al-Sadr criticizes George Bush for not withdrawing American troops from Iraq, so, he apparently hopes, the Democratic government will collapse and he can rush in to govern like his fellow mullahs in Iran.

          The next week the feisty pawn of Iran's presiding mullahs, President of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, announces that his country will send a high-ranking delegation to the peace conference on Iraq at the Egyptian resort of Sharm el-Sheik.

          We are not supposed to think about how, at the same time, he sponsors the shipment of Iranian arms to violent radicals in Iraq, all the better to make the nascent Iraqi government seem helpless and encourage the citizenry to resort to his clever clerical counterpart for governance. While they apparently hope notbody notices their clever teamwork, it has the drawback of being so transparent almost everybody notices.

Scientists Discover

          European astronomers, upon discovering an Earthlike planet outside of our own solar system, winningly named Gliese 581c, were immediately fearful that the sort of behavior that goes on here might be more widespread than previously believed and could only hope that the civilization is more advanced. There was even some worrisome speculation about the possibility that the civilization could be at the same stage as our own and if, in fact, it might currently be playing host to such rancorous individuals as Osama Bin Laden and Imus.

          Feeling that one version of such people is enough, they immediately resorted to the hope that, since the star around which the planet spins is older than the sun, any civilization there might be more advanced than our own. Less concerned citizens began to speculate about what sort of inhabitants might reside there besides mass murderers and insult comedians.

          The participants covered all the important categories, such as who might be the most popular singers and actors. Of course, the most revealing way to determine who might live there is to travel to the planet, but since it's about 20 light years away, the means of transportation is still not available. Whether our inability to travel there just yet is good news for the earth or for the newly discovered planet remains to be seen.

Movies On Demand

          Netflix, the company whose enormous red billboards have been annoying computer users for some time, has been informed about the existence of on-demand movies.

          Shocked that a person can simply click a remote control to pay for and view a movie, the company has realized that expecting consumers to pay to have DVDs mailed to them and then remembering to mail them back is not a credible business.

          Initially, the spokesman for Netflix was resistant, stating, “What do you mean, movies on demand? Never heard of them.” But when the remarkable procedure was demonstrated to him, he relented and, in fact, commented, “Well, I’ll be. Why didn’t somebody tell me about it before I took this job?”

Idiotic Human = Greenhouse Gases

          An innovative study by an environmental scientist attempts to explain the recent uptick in idiotic human behavior. According to the resourceful researcher, the likely culpret is the abundant supply of greenhouse gases. As a result of their ascendance, there is simply not enough oxygen left in the atmosphere for the human brain to function at the usual level. He reasons that the principal greenhouse gas, carbon dioxide, is frequenly derived from carbon monoxide, the toxic effluent of tailpipes and other smokestacks.

          To become the dioxide version, the monoxide must add an atom of oxygen, which, for lack of other alternatives, it removes from the atomosphere. To make his determination, the scientist measured the percentage of oxygen currently available for general breathing and the amount of the same invigorating substance in a sealed time capsule that was buried during the 1950s, a time, history tells us, of an extraordinary degree of human sanity.

          By comparing the two samples, the investigator was able to determine that there is significantly less oxygen in today’s atmosphere. Commenting on the finding, George Bush said, ‘I disagree with the finding, and I'll tell you why. Today I can think just as well as I could in 1950.” Dick Cheney remained committed to the present course, saying, “Don't pay any attention to these environmental reactionaries. They're bad for the economy. And, if you think we’re dumber now, wait till we’re too dumb to notice. Then the problem will be solved.”

Washington - - - Who’s Next?

          As if our fearless leaders in Washington don’t have enough to fret about, now Deborah Jeane Palfrey, a madam accused of running a prostitution business has, as part of her defense, vowed to make her list of clients public. Worse yet, she has begun to do so.

          First on the roster was the high-ranking military strategist who coined the lamentable catchphrase “shock and awe.” He was so shocked and awed he resigned.

          Dick Morris, the dapper and devious former advisor to Bill Clinton, made the hit list and quickly persuaded his lawyer to deny, deny, deny.

          Then came Randall Tobias, the affable but suddenly shamed head of the Bush administration's foreign aid programs. He also resigned, and the madam was so touched she felt obliged to express her apologies.

How many more cowering gentlemen will be named?

          Apparently, Deborah and her lawyers believe that the more careers they destroy, the more likely she is to evade a sentence that might prove excessive.

          Prompted by the failure of her flawed assumption, she is on the verge of making her entire stock of names public.

So all Washington can only be atwitter with the question, "Who’s next?"

          Apparently, a lot of revelations lie ahead. After all, the lady managed to keep approximately 250 lasses gainfully embraced.

Free, Freebie, No Cost, Free Download As Well As Many Others

          You all know what I am referring to and I'm sure you are as fed up as I am with all the parsing of common words to misrepresent something, someone or both. The parsing of commonly held words is stupid and will not be tolerated by the masses any longer! If an advertiser wants us to dance a jig or jump through hoops to receive their low cost, almost worth nothing, free or freebie item all they must do is simply say so.

          Rather than parsing of words to mean almost free or free if you are new to our service, or free for the taking but it will exclude you from future almost free or freebies items, just simply say so. Most adults are capable of understanding that you are a business because you want to feed your family. As adults most people don't want you as a business to lose any money.

          As adults most people would like to know that you are making a fair profit and will be in business for years to come. As adults we simply wish for you to not parse words in an attempt to take advantage of anyone! We are giving you businesses, big and small, fair warning that we consumers are fed up with the parsing of words to take advantage of consumers and we are not going to let it continue any longer.

          We promise to embarrass you and your company if you continue in the future of parsing words to not mean what everyone takes them to mean. Just so that everyone is on the same page, we have listed what we understand these certain common words to mean.

1. The word free or freebie means simply that - zero exchange of money, postage stamps or anything of value.
2. The word free and freebie mean no exchange of money now or latter and also mean the same for new as well as existing customers.
3. The word free and freebie do not mean that we will be branded to lose out of or to be excluded of any special price or deal at a later time if we take advantage of your free product or service now.
4. The word free and freebie simply mean free, zero cost and zero exchange of valuable information such as our email address or the email addresses of six of our friends. This would also include any personal telephone numbers. Time of year or season does not change these commonly held meanings.
5. The word free or freebie means that we don't have to do anything or offer anything in exchange for your free or freebie product or service.

          Now that we have stated clearly what these commonly held words mean to us at large; we expect you businesses, big and small, to understand that we consumers will penalize any company by broadcasting it over the internet to everyone that said company has tried to parse these commonly held words. We believe there is no reason to parse these commonly held words other than to take advantage of another.

          Therefore we will broadcast across the internet via e-mail, via blogs, via bulletin boards via forums via any way possible now and in the future any company and/or individual that plays games with or parses the meaning of these commonly held words. For the record the meanings of these words are the same whether you are giving us a great or not so great of free or freebie item. We also wish to state for the record that we consumers understand that you businesses must make profit in order to stay in business.

          We are not opposed to the fact that not every free or freebie item will be of great worth. We however expect the meaning of these commonly held words to remain just the same, regardless of worth of free or freebie item. May this article serve as fair warning to all businesses, big and small, that we consumers are fed up with all the parsing of commonly held words to take advantage of any consumer! As a consumer, if you agree to this writing then it is expected of you to hold all businesses to these rules and if some business does not, you have the responsibility to make said infringement known to the masses via one or more methods listed above.

          Every concerned consumer should print out this little article and keep it handy and ready to post or serve such business and/or individual that breaks these rules. This article is free, zero cost, will not exclude you from future freebies, and will not require you to post personal information or the personal information of six friends. You need not do anything to print it out and post it. This article is completely free of charge regardless of time of day or season of year. This article is simply, FREE!